Here’s a mistruth: in the history of the speakership, Nancy Pelosi isn’t the ballerest baller, isn’t the baddest badass. Here’s another mistruth: Donald Trump didn’t get-off on being humiliated. Here’s yet another mistruth: childhood friendships are redeeming.
In case you’re living in another dimension where the internet hasn’t poisoned everything with the need for an instantaneous reaction, in case you missed it, the State of the Union was one for the ages.
Nancy Pelosi tore-up Donald Trump’s speech and to say I didn’t love it would be a mistruth. Here’s a guy who needs everyone constantly talking about him and in a single gesture, Nancy pulled all focus.
I’m not into cock-and-ball torture, but if I had a fetish, it would be this: watching a strong woman at the top of her game dismantle a game show host in a single gesture.
It was the first time in 3 years I’ve seen The Democrats do something emotional, something everyone can talk about but no one will ever fully understand, which is the beauty of emotion. You can’t explain it. Not really.
And what could be more human?
The gesture will echo through the halls of history, echoing until everyone in the Gallery Of Forever And Ever And Ever is laughing at the buffoonery of Donald Trump and the clowns in the White Nationalist Clown Car who used Google Maps to chart a course off the Cliffs Of Exhausting Baby Men.
Here’s a mistruth: Nazis are very fine people. Here’s another mistruth: Charlottesville was no biggie as sure as Anne Frank had it coming. Here’s yet another mistruth: I care what you think.
Dorion reached out to me.
I knew him in 1987. That was 33 years ago.
I did the math just to calculate how little you can know someone else despite the illusion of time. We knew each other for the blink of an eye, and in between blinks the eye had conjunctivitis.
Crusty. Itchy. No fun at all. Spoiled. Stupid. Both of us.
We found a wallet so we went shopping at a mall in Ocala. It was a kid mistake, something you do with no understanding of how many people you’re screwing over. But it’s something I look back on with perspective: I learned more from that mistake than pretty much anything else I got out of the classrooms at The University Of Florida.
Here’s a mistruth: jail would have taught me a lesson. Here’s another mistruth: getting away with something is fun. Here’s yet another mistruth: all these years later, I was the one who friended Dorion on Facebook.
I don’t know what made him think of me. Maybe he liked me. Maybe he had a crush. Maybe he’s a right wing dittohead who heard about me so he found me on social media, waiting for an opportunity to put me in my place. As we began firing answers at each other on Facebook – which is all Facebook really is, a bunch of answers being fired at point blank range – I kept asking Dorion if he was going to pull the lever for a 2nd term. He began avoiding the question by firing an old mistake in my face like a 3 Stooges Pie Fight…
…embarrassing…and shameful…and delicious.
I recognized the sour taste of agenda.
So I knew.
If the answer is no, you don’t hedge. If the answer is I voted for this guy once but I’m not pretending Charlottesville didn’t happen, you come clean.
But if the answer is yes…
…if the answer is I like Trump…if the answer is The Hollywood Access Bus made me wish I was there…if the answer is the jury is still out on whether or not Barack Obama was born here…if the answer is I like my snowmobile and I like my boat and I like women in bikinis on my boat hanging off me because I have a penis and my penis is white and penis-penis and I care about my lifestyle more than I care about anything or anyone else, so fuck off Greg…penis-penis! If that’s the answer then you skip the answer because you’re a pussy-guy and you’ve always been a pussy-guy and you were a pussy-guy when I knew you at the mall in Ocala and even back then I could see through you with my crusty eye.
He knows I know.
You know I know.
We all know.
Here’s a mistruth: it wouldn’t be fun to throw a pig on a spit, crack a few beers and see Dorion for the first time in 33 years. Here’s another mistruth: we weren’t all raised in America which means we weren’t all raised to be racist, which means we weren’t all raised to be homophobic, which means we weren’t all raised to worship angry men. Here’s yet another mistruth: I defriended Dorion.
He’s not worth the clicks.
He can defriend me – or not – I don’t really care.
On the flip side, here’s something I do care about at this moment in time…
I want to congratulate Pete Buttigieg for his first big finish in the Iowa Caucus, welcome to the big show. I want to congratulate Bernie Sanders for another big finish in the Iowa Caucus and his undeniable momentum which is terrorizing the Democratic Establishment.
If I have to watch one more Democratic Big Shot go-off on Bernie Sanders, if I have to watch Jame Carville get-off on the sound of his southern twang, if I have to watch Bill Kristol pontificate until his dick his raw, if I have to watch Jim Messina give himself an intellectual reach around, if I have to watch Claire McCaskill finger bang the mythical center, if I have to watch Chris Matthews grudge fuck a picture of his younger-self, if I have to watch one more Democratic Big Shot go-off on Bernie Sanders then I’m going to vote for Bernie Sanders!!!
Spite is a powerful force. I can promise you this: I will spite vote for Bernie Sanders and spend the next 4 years tuning-in to watch Saturday Night Live, if for no other reason than the cold open featuring Larry David.
Here’s a mistruth: I didn’t really mean what I just said. Here’s another mistruth: Seinfeld is better than Curb Your Enthusiasm. Here’s yet another mistruth: Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee is a real career launcher.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Jerry Seinfeld on hold.