The Real Housewives Of Mar-a-Lago

Go away John Bolton, you won’t tell us anything we don’t already know.


3 people read The Mueller Report: Robert Mueller, Robert Muller’s Mother and me. If you don’t know how guilty Donald Trump is, if you don’t know how guilty Mitch McConnell is, if you don’t know how excited Trump Voters are to pull the lever for a 2nd term, then you’re not watching this show the right way.

That’s all this is, a show!

The media wants a 2nd term, the ratings have never been better. The viewing audience is in love with streaming their anger. Not since The Sopranos, not since Breaking Bad, not since The Hollywood Access Bus has there been a cast of characters this much fun to hate while secretly rooting for them at the same time.

I dated a woman who loved The Real Housewives. Whenever I tried watching the show with her, she used to get mad at me. She’d tell me I was watching the show the wrong way. So I got good at pretending, going all in on fooling myself, getting bombed on 2 bottles of wine so I could dull the pain but it never worked and so she banned me from sitting next to her while she watched the show.

She was right. I hated everyone on the show, they made my soul ache. But I’m an exhausting do-gooder. Is there anything worse?

I knocked on doors for Ilya Shayman when he ran for the 10th congressional district. I attended Netroots Nation in Minneapolis. I spent a week honoring Martin Luther King by organizing Racial Healing Circles in Chicago from North Center to South Shore. Take. That. In. I’m exhausting and I know I’m exhausting but I don’t care because this is how I choose to roll through the world but at the same time I have decided I’m no longer interested in changing someone else’s mind because changing someone else’s mind is a waste of fucking time.

The only thing a racist hates more than black people is being called a racist.

Here’s a little secret. I got the feeling the woman I was dating was Anti-Semitic, which means she secretly hated me but I got off on it. I spent a good part of my 20’s hating myself, so we had something in common. We also liked drinking wine, taking trips, getting high, dancing as the sun rose over the desert and running away from our problems. We dated for a year and five months. Looking back, I can see it for what it was: a year and five months of first dates.


I’d do it all again. Just not with her. I’m done with her. She’s done with me. You know how I know? Here’s how I know. After we broke up, I had this thought: I’ll get back in touch with you when I have $10 Million Dollars. How ridiculous is that? Like she’s the person I’d want to hang out with after I make $10 Million Dollars. The truth is, I would like to hang out with her after I make $10 Million Dollars, but not the person she is now, the person she was on the day I swiped right on Tinder. That person is long gone and my time machine is rusty from lack of use. I’m no longer interested in going back in time to fix what I got wrong. I like what I got wrong. Who would I be without my mistakes? I’ll tell you who I’d be…

A Trump Voter.

An asshole like you.


You think you know so goddamn much but like everyone else who thinks they’re always right the only thing you really are is a pain in the ass. But you’re fun! I like my friends to be fucked up. Who wants perfect friends? How boring. I like my friends to be addicts, drunks, liars, cheats, bigots, trust fund babies, sexaholic Anti-Semitics, just as long as you’re not a know-it-all, since that’s my thing.

There. You see what I just did? I called myself out. You should try it sometime. Or not! I really don’t give a shit. Be you. Keep being an asshole, it suits you.

Donald Trump is going to win a 2nd term, and it’s not because Elizabeth Warren isn’t the perfect person to be president right now, she is. It’s not because Andrew Yang isn’t making math sexy, he is. It’s not because Bernie Sanders isn’t morally consistent, he is. It’s not because Pete Buttegieg isn’t married to a great guy, he is. Donald Trump is going to win a 2nd term because Mitch McConnell is criminally insane and we’ve done nothing about it, because The Electoral College is a mechanism of White Nationalist Insanity and we’ve done nothing about it, because Mar-a-Lago is the buffet of buffoonery and we all secretly wish we were lining up to fill our plates.

We say we want witnesses but we don’t. We say we want impeachment but we don’t. We say we’re exceptional but we’re not. At best we’re the viewing audience which means the only thing we’re really capable of doing is changing the channel or turning off the TV.

There will be no witnesses and even if John Bolton testifies, it will change nothing so maybe the best thing is he doesn’t testify so after Donald Trump is acquitted in The Senate, after Donald Trump wins a 2nd term, after Donald Trump’s ego eats his body and his tongue finishes the journey all the way up Vladimir Putin’s asshole, maybe then we can blow this White Nationalist Load all over Lady Liberty’s Tits.

It’s just a show.

There’s a new season on the way after November but not to worry, the cast of characters won’t change – John Bolton can’t save us from bad programming – we have to do that ourselves and it would take more than changing the channel or turning off the TV, it would take something truly exceptional, a trait Americans have never exhibited.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. My show is on. Today they’re pretending Chief Justice John Roberts actually has a conscience.

2 thoughts on “The Real Housewives Of Mar-a-Lago”

  1. Everyone’s mind is made up on both sides on all issues. This may sound cynical, but we’re going to be in an ugly gridlock for the next 30 or so years. Trump will win 2020 and will probably appoint 1 or 2 more Supreme Court justices. We’re fucked. But hey at least we have weed in Illinois.

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