If I were president with supermajorities in the house and senate, my first act would be to give a raise to the Lilly Ledbetter Act, so women earned more than men. Rename it the Unfair Pay Act and let men wrestle with the unfairness for a generation or two.
Then I’ll commission the Southern Poverty Law Center to create a process to free all non-violent drug offenders. It’s not enough to set them free, we must learn from them, counsel them on the rough transition from incarceration to freedom and make sure there is a job waiting for each and every one of them so they can begin immediately rebuilding their dignity.
All monuments of the Confederacy which remain standing will be re-conceptualized to incorporate slavery and women’s suffrage. It’s too late to pretend the communities which allowed this horror to go unnoticed are capable of suddenly growing a conscience, so context will be used to uncover the truth and help guide us to reconciliation.
Reparations for slavery will get matching funds to every dollar spent on the military.
Fox News will be dismantled and everyone associated with the so-called network will be tried for crimes against humanity at The American War Crimes Tribunal I will establish on the day I take the oath of office.
Lock Her Up will be replaced with cries of Lock Him Up. Donald Trump will be arrested on the very second after I’m sworn in.
Henceforth and forever, we will move forward while at the same time looking backwards to fix what we have thoughtlessly broken. To that end, the George W. Bush Presidential Library will be stripped of its title as a library and turned into a crime scene where all items inside will cease to be artifacts and instead treated as evidence. All members of the Bush Administration will be tried for lying about WMD’s, breaking the Geneva Convention as it pertains to torture as well as declaring war while cutting taxes, a thinly veiled policy whose true purpose was bankrupting America to allow for the dismantling of the Social Safety Net. Additionally, bankers will be tried for bringing the economy to the brink of collapse.
At my inauguration, The Dixie Chicks shall sing the national anthem. Everyone on the mall shall take a knee. Colin Kaepernick shall read the invocation.
Borders will no longer be borders. Immigrants will no longer be immigrants. Refugees will no longer be refugees. They will be seen as people fleeing for their lives and welcomed.
Men like Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un and Bashar al-Assad will be put on notice: surrender immediately or be hung from your underpants on the flagpole of the United Nations. Even if they surrender, they will be hung from their underpants.
The NRA will be called what it is: a terror cell in America. Every member will be tried. Guns will be stripped from the streets of America. If anyone wants to list their grievances and declare war, they will be granted the right to make their declaration and see how it goes. They won’t be called a traitor or unAmerican, but they will be treated like the school children they terrorized; in other words, shot for sport. Their loved ones will be granted the choice: cry about it in split screen on CNN or shut up and shop, The American Dream.
The Supreme Court will get term limits. All branches of government will get term limits. But first, all members of The Supreme Court who hijacked our democracy in Bush v. Gore will be yanked from the bench like a tooth.
In case you’re not sure which members, please allow me to be clear: Rehnquist, Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas and O’Connor. Whoever is alive, yanked. Whoever is dead, reduced to historical buffoonery.
Merrick Garland will replace Neil Gorsuch and Neil Gorsuch will apologize for pretending not to know better even though there’s no reasonable doubt he knew better but just couldn’t bother to care. Neil will be hung from his underpants.
All members of congress will repay The U.S. Government their pensions. After leaving office, there will be no pension and until we pass Health Care For All, there will be no health care coverage for congress or anyone working in government, all the way up to me, the president with the supermajorities in the house and senate. I give it a week, at best, before we have Health Care For All.
And God Bless The United States Of America, even though there is no such thing as God, he’s an imaginary friend and maybe it’s time for the adults to knock it off with the imaginary friend bullshit.