Myth Of The Benevolent Billionaire

Go away Bloomberg. Go away Trump. Go away Soros. Go away Gates. Go away Bezos. Go away Jay-Z.

Maybe not Jay-Z. I dig his music too much, even though I’m horrified by the role he played in helping The NFL ice out Colin Kaepernick. So maybe I was right to begin with, go away Jay-Z.

Bloomberg is deciding to run for president and there’s a catalog of reasons Bloomberg is a Deal Breaker: amending the constitution to give himself a 3rd term, Stop & Frisk, having a penis.

Haven’t we had enough penises?

How about the next 45 presidents have vaginas. How about a Supreme Court where all 9 justices have vaginas. How about all men who have a problem with this idea shutting the fuck up.

“Hillary was a terrible candidate!”

No she wasn’t. You know how I know she wasn’t? I know because I repeated the same lie until I slowed down my thinking long enough to realize I was a Parrot.

“Squawk! Hillary was a terrible candidate. Squawk!”

That’s what I sounded like but I didn’t know and that’s what you sound like and if you don’t know now you know…

Parrot.

Throw every billionaire off the continent of America. Revoke their citizenship. Put them in the cargo hold of their private rocket ship and point them toward The Planet Plunder. That’s all they do! You can’t get that rich without an aptitude for generational theft.

We don’t want you. We don’t need you. And you don’t need us. With that kind of money you’re essentially a country unto yourself, you’re essentially a planet orbiting yourself, you’re essentially God.

Go away God. Pray to your penis.

Having said that, I’m shallow. I’d vote for Bernie Sanders if for no other reason than the Larry David impersonations. It’s a perfectly good reason. Also health care, education, The Green New Deal and just to watch half the population lose their minds in dealing with the word Socialist.

Who’s Triggered Now, Snowflake?

More than anyone else, I have to confess I would like to see Elizabeth Warren get the nomination and choose Andrew Gillum as her running mate. I think it’d be an interesting ticket to lose with and if we’re going to lose, then let’s lose with a ticket we can be proud of instead of losing with a billionaire who fancies himself a Focus Group Revolutionary. 

Listen.

Some things cannot be polled, like: who you’re voting for, which Pop Tart is your favorite Pop Tart and why men are such pussies when it comes to having a president with a vagina.

Go. Away. Men. Take off the next 400 years and grow the fuck up.

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