Monica Lewinsky was on television. In 1996, this was ongoing. In 2018, it was a series on A&E. I couldn’t stop watching, which isn’t unusual except this time I felt ashamed of myself instead of Monica and Bill.

They dug each other. They banged. They spent time together gabbing on the phone, swapping gifts and spit. It was inappropriate. At least, I’ve been told it was inappropriate so when I repeat it, I know I’m saying what a good person is supposed to say. But what if I don’t mean it? Does it make me a bad person? An immoral person?

Since when is sex supposed to make sense?

He was too old for her. He should have known better. This was “The Original Me Too.” I could feel all of the competing narratives swirling around in the subtext but when you listen to Monica Lewinsky, you get the feeling she was in love with Bill Clinton. She landed her crush! Who wouldn’t like to land their crush? Say what you want about Bill Clinton knowing better, I’d say he knew what he wanted and he got it.

You know who the problem is?

Really?

We’re the problem.

We judged them like it was any of our fucking business.

Oh excuse me. Did I use potty mouth? Am I being inappropriate? Well go fuck yourself. There is no proper language to talk about sex and when you try and make it proper, you sound creepy.

Speaking of 4 Star Creeps…

In the Starr Report, we learned Monica sucked Bill’s dick and Bill brought Monica to orgasm. Sounds like a fair trade to me. What business did Ken Starr have spending $70 Million Dollars? Maybe Hillary was done sucking Bill’s dick. Maybe she never liked sucking Bill’s dick. Maybe when they got married, Hillary said she was in love with Bill’s ambition but had zero interest in doing anything with her throat besides talking into tiny microphones at Senate Hearings. Maybe that was the deal in their marriage, in which case you know what that would make Bill Clinton in all this…the true victim.

But you know what? I’m making all of this up because I have no idea what the deal is in their marriage. And you know what else? I know better than asking about sex.

The problem isn’t lying about sex. Lying about sex isn’t lying, it’s romantic. Lying about sex is the mark of a gentleman. Lying about sex is the bluff of a lady. It’s fun. The problem is asking about sex. Asking about sex is deceptive, if you’re asking about sex you’re a moralizing asshole or Republican. If you want to debate me on the merits of my argument, rent The Hollywood Access Bus and I’ll meet you there with a couple hot mics.

Speaking of grabbing a pussy by the pussy…

Ken Starr should be arrested for Crimes Against Sexual Humanity and forced to repay $70 Million Dollars to American Taxpayers. As for his protege, Brett Kavanaugh, who threw a toddler tantrum on the floor of the United States Senate moments before he was handed the Gavel Of Ultimate Power, he should be forced to wear nothing but poopy diapers when he dissents.

Brett Kavanaugh! This is the same guy who wrapped Monica Lewinsky’s life in dynamite and reduced the trajectory of her life to rubble. Fuck that guy! And by fuck that guy I mean nobody, ever, under any circumstances, fuck that guy. I find Brett Kavanaugh guilty of Crimes Against Sexual Humanity and hereby sentence him to an eternity of blue balls. Go cry about it over a beer.

I’d like to formally apologize to Monica Lewinsky.

On behalf of those of us who get-off on lying about sex and having our dicks sucked, who recognize we know nothing about The Clinton Marriage or any marriage since by definition marriage is for people who are sexually irrelevant which is why they’re married in the first place, who feel duped by Ken Starr & Brett Kavanaugh, who demand $70 Million Dollars in restitution for the moralizing farce of the So-Called Starr Report, who thought the beret was sexy and found the blue dress to be a nifty heirloom, I’d like to say this…

I’m ashamed of myself, Monica. Please forgive me.