It was New Years Eve and long past midnight I was channel surfing. CNN was replaying the ball dropping in Times Square. I must have been seeking out pain, since the conversation between the hosts was excruciating, to take the edge off, someone in the control booth must have suddenly had the genius idea of cutting to Dave Chappelle who was live in Ohio. They asked if he had any resolutions.
“I don’t believe in fooling myself with false promises,” Dave said.
I laughed and then thought to myself that I wouldn’t have made it through my 20’s without false promises. This year I resolve to drink less coffee, lower my bad cholesterol levels with Lipitor and succeed beyond Beyonce. Those might be false promise but they seem reasonable. You know what’s unreasonable? Listening to Anderson Cooper talk to anyone besides Kathy Griffin. It’s time for CNN to shower her with money while Anderson Cooper grovels.
BREAKING NEWS: Comedians tell jokes and if you don’t like their jokes your outrage doesn’t make you right, it makes you BORING (IN ALL CAPS).
It’s been an interesting couple of weeks in Washington. The 116th Congress welcomed a whole bunch of women to the table. Rashida Tlaib wasted no time getting down to business. When she was asked what she planned on doing, this is what she said, “We’re going to impeach the motherfucker!”
BREAKING NEWS: #ImpeachTheMF is trending on Twitter.
If you don’t like the language, go fuck yourself. The benchmark for acceptable language forever slipped into the gutter on the day Donald Trump stepped onto The Hollywood Access Bus. If you’re uncomfortable with the language, go fuck yourself. Try being uncomfortable about something meaningful like mass shootings, separating children from their families, gutting affordable care while cutting taxes, a sitting president who got his seat in the Oval Office by collaborating with a hostile foreign power.
Otherwise go shopping and shut up, man.
Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House. She’s 3rd in line to the presidency behind a Vice President who’s complicit in giving Vladimir Putin a reach around. I don’t believe in false promises but I do believe by the year’s end we’ll be saying the phrase we voted to say in 2016…
BREAKING NEWS: If this scares you, if this turns you into a MAGA TROLL, if the next thing you say or do is hateful, you’re at the end of the line, throw yourself on the mercy of Mueller, turn in your guns and get help.
Let me be clear, I really don’t care if you get help or turn in your guns. If you’re still running around thinking you matter then there’s very little the rest of us can do to help you see the light. You’re sick. You’re lost. The problem with someone who’s sick and lost is they don’t know they’re sick and lost and so they keep going round and round in the same dumb circle, making the same dumb noise, wearing the same dumb hat, saying the same dumb things thinking the same dumb things are things they actually thought-up for themselves when in fact they were imbecile seeds planted by self-imposed brainwashing.
BREAKING NEWS: Turn off the news, turn off FOX, CNN, MSNBC, go outside, take a deep breath, if you happen to see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, give her a high-five, turn around, then turn around again, take off your dumb hat, take it in, the sun, the sky, the puffy clouds, your irrelevance, all the false promises you made to yourself that you never put an ounce of effort into making manifest in your own life, imbecile.
Then vote for a woman and if you don’t like the way it feels, go fuck yourself.