I’m wearing a tux. I’m celebrating.

With the Dow Jones tumbling, with the withdrawal of our troops from Syria and Afghanistan, with the Trump Shutdown, you might ask what is there to celebrate.

All of those things are worth putting on a black tux and going out dancing. I call this dance move, “The Stocking Stuffer.”

There’s no such thing as a Bull Market or a Bear Market. Those are myths.

The market is a tool for noticing trends. For example, during the election of 2016, Brexit was a clue. This is what the clue said…

Nationalism is a plague sweeping the globe, it foreshadows a Trump Presidency.

So I hired a so-called financial expert to help me navigating a short position. He took my money and went long. So it goes. Later, when Brexit passed, when Trump won, I asked him why he took my money, ignored me and went long. This is what he said, “It’s my job to protect you from your bad ideas.”

NEVER RELINQUISH YOUR AUTHORITY.

LESSON LEARNED.

THANK YOU SANTA, BABY!

I tried taking the so-called financial expert to court but there was a clause in the so-called fine print of the so-called contract which forced so-called Mandatory Binding Arbitration. Call Mandatory Binding Arbitration what it is…

THE FIX.

I knew the fix was in but I was determined to see it through. If you ever sign a contract with a so-called financial expert and there is Mandatory Binding Arbitration in the contract, take back your check and walk away without explanation.

NEVER TURN TO THE COURTS FOR JUSTICE.

LESSON LEARNED.

THANK YOU SANTA, BABY!

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I knew Brexit was going to happen. But the anti-immigration bigots were howling. It wasn’t like I knew Trump was going to win. But the racist were jizzing all over MAGA HATS on Pornhub.

The markets aren’t for do-gooding. The markets are for exploiting trends. If you want to do good in the world, endorse a candidate before it’s popular, show up ahead of a Bears Game at Soldier field to get ballot signatures like I did with Amara Enyia.

If you want to do good in the world, pat a scientist on the back, give a climate change denier a noogie, vote.

If you want to do good in the world, show up at your daughter’s basketball game and cheer her on without broadcasting your opinions on the lack of hustle in her pick-and-roll.

Cheering is for do gooders. Investing is for trends. Cynicism is for haters.

It could be argued betting on Brexit and Trump’s presidency were cynical plays. You’d be wrong. It’s like talking your friend out of getting high or driving drunk or staying married to an asshole. They’re going to do whatever they want to do so keep your mouth shut and you’ll be invited to visit them in rehab or jail or both.

Friends aren’t supposed to be perfect and neither are markets.

Stop trying to fix a trend. Switch your position to exploiting a trend. You won’t be happier but you will make money and money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a Fender Telecaster and if that doesn’t make you happy then you’re completely fucked.

Stop reading this and go away!

I have 2 words for you: scram.

Speaking of spoiled children who get everything handed to them like the keys to the liquor cabinet on Air Force One, when George W. Bush declared war on Afghanistan and Iraq, he did something I’ve never seen a president do before: he cut taxes. This is what happens when you’re not elected. It was astounding.

You’d think if the boys and girls in uniform are going to sacrifice their lives the least We The People Who Are Lucky Enough Not To Go To War would be willing to do is sacrifice our nickels and dimes.

But no!

I was wrong.

We’re too goddamn selfish.

This explains why we were told by George W. Bush to “get out there and shop.” We did what we were told. We shopped while the boys and girls in uniform went on tour after tour after tour. Incidentally, going on tour is what rock bands and rappers do to make money, sell t-shirts and fuck groupies.

Soldiers go to war and die. Or lose limbs. Or lose minds. It’s not a tour. It’s not a sacrifice. It’s a death sentence.

But George W. Bush decided to use the attacks of 9/11 to give cover to a strategy of bankrupting America so his sadistic, racist buddies could dismantle Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. You could call them cynical. But you’d be wrong. Those trends were in play as far back as Lee Atwater enacting his Southern Strategy and if you’re Republican but never bothered to look too far into The Southern Strategy, then I’d say you’re racist.

Here’s what you should know about a key trend in the world of white supremacy: the only thing a racist hates more than black people is being called a racist. If you voted for Donald Trump, the Birther-In-Chief, you’re a racist.

Racist!

Long before Trump climbed on board the The Hollywood Access Bus for his “Grab Them By The Pussy” tour, his Birther bonafides were a deal breaker.

Now we’re broke. America is broke, financially and morally, even though we never had a moral leg to stand on. Ask black people who were slaves. Ask women who couldn’t vote. Ask gay men and women who couldn’t get married. Ask Lee Atwater.

Speaking of manufactured outrage, Donald Trump is leaving Syria and Afghanistan. Let the screaming in split screen begin. More than apple fucking pie we love a good slice of outrage served with a side of whipped up white people.

You can tell me I’m wrong. You can tell me we need to rally on behalf of our allies. You can tell me we need to stay the course. I’m willing to hear you out…

But the trends say we have no interest in picking up the tab.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe we’re ready to finally have a robust public debate about our role in the middle east, our role in the world. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe we’re ready to get congressional approval for war. Maybe we’re ready to raise taxes, prove the sacrifice is worthy of the cause.

Maybe I’m wrong.

The best indicator for future behavior is past behavior and you can call me cynical but nothing in our past behavior indicates a future where we do anything more than get out there and shop.

So let’s celebrate the boys and girls in uniform coming home (and please never forget they are BOYS and GIRLS). Enough dying for a flag. Go die for something important like being 102 years old and not waking up one morning in time for your fiber supplement and morning blowjob.

Speaking of wet dreams, the Trump Shutdown is a financial gift from God.

Listen.

Trump was tired of The Mueller Probe getting all of the attention so now he has the Shutdown. He wants his wall. So does every racist who can get booked to broadcast hatred in splitscreen. They’re using The Trump Shutdown to create a Bear Market before the standoff ends and they taunt the Bull.

THE ECHO CHAMBER IS FILLED WITH LIES.

LESSON LEARNED.

THANK YOU SANTA, BABY!

KA-CHING.