Having shared a birthday with Jesus Christ for the better part of 5 decades, here are a few things I’ve noticed.

When I was a kid, it used to hurt my feelings when my birthday was forgotten but now that I’m grown, it’s a relief. The truth is, my birthday had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my mom. She did the work. Not me. Not my dad.

Take. That. In. Men. This is something we have nothing to do with so if you have an opinion on abortion it only means you’re an asshole. Go raise a child until that child is 26 years old. Then you can open your fucking mouth and I’ll bet you by then the last thing you’ll want to do is offer an opinion.

Yesterday in Chicago it was 57 degrees.

We had breakfast at a friend’s house. She has 2 young children, so going out is too hard right now. As we left, her 5 year old daughter stuck her head outside and said, “Oooooh it’s so beautiful.” Only 5 year olds and Republicans think yesterday was beautiful. Climate Change is real and I’m not spending one more second of my life debating it with fucking children.

Last year I made a resolution to take things even more personally and get over it twice as fast. A month into the resolution, my girlfriend stamped it with a veto. “It’s good for you but terrible for everyone around you.” She was right. I’d become a Mini Donald Trump.

Make America Greg Again – sounds good to me – maybe I’ll run in 2028, after Donald Trump goes to jail and we have 2 glorious terms of Warren/Abrams.

Vote. For. Women.

Enough with the men.

Old friends are wonderful for nostalgia but terrible for advice. I could elaborate on this but just trust me, unless you’re an old friend in which case, ignore me completely but please accept my hug.

Go see The Mr. Rogers Movie.

Finish reading this and then go see The Mr. Rogers Movie. It’s the movie we need right now, a movie grappling with hurt feelings. We have no problem seeing a doctor when we throw out our back on the golf course or twist an ankle on the basketball court or split open our head in a car crash. But when it comes to hurt feelings, we’re taught to suck it up. That’s frat boy advice. Trust me on this, don’t suck it up. The people around you are suffering at the whims of your mood. If you don’t think so it’s only because you haven’t slowed down long enough to notice that you’re the only one laughing and it’s not because the people who love you lack a sense of humor, it’s because you cannot afford Eddie Murphy’s comedy writers. By the way, YouTube Eddie Murphy’s opening monolog on SNL. It’s the best thing ever. Literally, on Wikipedia, under Best Thing Ever you will find Eddie Murphy’s opening monolog on SNL.

It’s astonishing!

So are you.

When’s the last time someone told you how wonderful you are precisely as you are right now? I stole it from Mr. Rogers. I’m giving it to you. With a kiss – mwah- happy new year.