French President Emmanuel Macron made the rounds this week in Washington DC, charming the golf pants off American President Donald Trump. There was hand holding, there was schmoozing, there was cheek kissing.

Charm is offensive.

But it did open the door to a joint session of Congress, where Macron took off the mask of politeness and spoke in a second language with more eloquence than we’ve heard in the rotunda since it was vacated by Kenyan President Barack Obama.

Some people still don’t think Barack Obama was born in America. It’s fine with me since I don’t think Donald Trump was born on planet Earth. I’m still waiting for Doctor Ronny Jackson to sober up long enough to submit Trump’s long form girth certificate.

Fat is the new skinny.

Macron got applause when he spoke about science. Science! He spoke of fake news a virus. He spoke of nationalism as an illusion. He spoke of freedom as a taste. He spoke of fear as a flame. He spoke of shared liberty as an answer to the disorders of the world. He spoke to the members of Congress as children.

Speaking of spoiled brats, Mike Pence and Paul Ryan were framed headless, which is the perfect metaphor for what happens when you align yourself with a thoughtless man.

“The only thing we have to fear,” Macron said, “it is fear itself.” I love how an accent takes an oldie but a goodie and brings it back to life.

Mistakes are fun. Vive La France!

“I believe in these rights and values,” he began. “I believe that against ignorance we have education, against inequalities we have development, against cynicism we have trust and good faith, against fanaticism we have culture, against disease and epidemics we have medicine, against the threats on the planet we have science…”

This is when the applause kicked in. It surprised me to hear cheers in the rotunda for the enemy of climate change, science. But children love a bad guy. It makes the story fun.

I believe in Flying Monkeys to stop Dorothy from getting to Oz. I believe in Lava Monsters to stop Moana from rescuing the heart. I believe in Overpaid Lobbyists to stop Congressional Criminals from the higher calling of honest work.

Macron continued…

“I believe in concrete action. I believe the solutions are in our hands. I believe in the liberation of the individual and in the freedom and the responsibility of everyone to build their own lives and pursue happiness.”

Here again the applause kicked in. The applause was more tepid, since spoiled children don’t really understand how to pursue anything. As for happiness, the only thing they equate with happiness is when the Lobby Monster doles out piles of campaign cash.

I believe in The NRA bloodbath that treats school children like moving targets. I believe in the ability of Fox News to amplify hatred and incite violence. I believe in weaponizing Internet Trolls to push a lie until the lie is so deep down in your tummy it rumbles too loud for the truth to be heard.

Macron continued…

“I believe in the power of intelligently regulated market economies. We are experiencing the positive impact of our current economic globalization with innovations, with job creation. However the abuse of globalized innovation and digital disruption can jeopardize the stability of our economies and democracies. I believe that in facing these challenges we want the opposite of massive deregulation and extreme nationalism. Commercial war is not the proper answer to this evolution.”

Here again the applause kicked in. It was polite applause, as if to say, “I believe you’re overstepping your ground, Frenchie. We like the sound of America First. We don’t take a knee in this country to contemplate the tyranny of lynchings, the humiliation of segregation, the madness of Birtherism. We salute the flag. We wear flag pins on our lapel. See! The camera might have cut off the heads of Mike Pence and Paul Ryan, since they’ve never had a thought in their useless heads. But the flag pin is the center of attention and the flag is American. Don’t forget it, Frenchie!”

Macron continued…

“We need free and fair trade,” he said. “For sure.”

Like totally. Like oh my God. Like for sure.

“I believe we can build the right answers to legitimate concerns regarding trade advances, excesses and over-capacities, by negotiating through the World Trade Organization and building co-operative solutions. We wrote these rules,” Macron said, “we should follow them.”

Ryan clapped. Pence did not clap. Ryan loves rules. Pence never met a rule he couldn’t twist to punish the world for the anger he carries around at not being able to kiss a boy when he was a boy. Now he’s an angry man and so the world must be punished mostly by pushing Gay Jim Crow Laws. Anyone who romanticizes impeachment needs to reflect on these 2 words…

President Pence.

I believe in holding the American People accountable for the Hell we’re currently navigating. I believe you get out the vote or shut the fuck up. I believe every member of Congress should have their health care revoked and their pension stripped so when they leave Congress they face the same reality the rest of us face. It’s cold out here and when one door closes another door does not open. In fact, you’re left out there in the cold which is why all too often you go back in the door you were kicked out of and it’s no way to live.

I believe in Emmanuel Macron, merci beaucoup.