Jared Kushner lost his Top Secret Credentials, slipping from “Top Secret/SCI” to “Secret.” In the world of international espionage, this is like being demoted from James Bond to a Bond Girl.

That said, in the era of “Me Too,” it would be nice to see James Bond played by a woman. It would also be nice to see a presidential senior advisor played by someone other than Jilted Jared.

Speaking of daddy issues, Glenn Haab told the Associated Press he “unintentionally” omitted words from the CNN Emails to his son ahead of the Parkland Town Hall on Gun Violence. In a related story, Glenn also unintentionally hit on his wife’s best friend.

Mike Pence bragged at CPAC that legal abortions would end. I happen to agree. But in much the same way Glenn Haab misused the word “unintentionally,” Mike Pence misused the word “abortion.” Anonymous unconfirmed sources have sorta kinda confirmed plans for a certain vice president with a bottom bitch haircut guilty of collaborating with The Russians ahead of the 2016 election to be indicted for treason, aborting his presidential load.

In the case of Mike Pence, no one wants to be like Mike.

Words matter, like: homophobic and religious fanatic. Mousy Mike is a sick guy, which puts him in good company at CPAC seeing as everyone there is living their life in the cry for help and like all addicts who are sick but have zero self-awareness about their sickness, it’s up to the rest of us to cut all ties so they can hit rock bottom.

Dick’s Sporting Goods hit rock bottom, finally. They announced today they will no longer sell assault rifles. This is good news. This is great news. It should be celebrated as great news. But it should also be acknowledged how many mass shootings and school shootings it took before the adults snapped out of their stupor.

Math is hard. Numbers are not easily confirmed. Back in the day, Mister Owl helped us figure out it takes 3 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop. In its time, this was the central issue. We are living in very different times but there is an equal need for quantifiable math. So I asked Mister Owl how many mass shootings it takes before the adults begin acting like grown ups?

“3,” he said.